This has been a challenging few months, and it seems the only way I’m going to get myself unstuck is to write about it. Maybe then I can move forward.
Those of you who have been reading our blog for a while know that we’ve been dealing with my elderly parents for several years. (It sounds kind of awful to say “dealing with my parents” but that is the truth.) We visit them every winter in Florida for a couple of months, and in accordance with their wishes, have done our best to help them stay in their home.
Kayaking in the Adirondacks, early July
This past winter, we got them set up with home health care nurses, made the house as safe as possible, and waved an exhausted goodbye. Two weeks after we left, my mother fell, broke her arm, and ended up in the hospital.
And it has been a crazy, no brakes downhill ride from there. Here’s the abbreviated version: Hospital. Rehab. Pneumonia. Back to the hospital. Back to rehab. Numerous falls. Countless phone calls every day trying to manage my mom’s care, and much more difficult, trying to manage my dad’s life.
Quebec City, Quebec
Without my mom at home, my dad’s life and mind unraveled. He couldn’t figure out how to use a calendar, and couldn’t make sense of time. He stopped cooking, ate all of his meals at the local Mexican restaurant, slept at random times, forgot to pay bills. I tried every tactic possible to get him to move into assisted living with my mom, all to no avail. His answer to me was the same as it has always been: “The only way I’m leaving here is feet first.”
My sister visited from Jacksonville, took him a month’s worth of home-cooked meals, and tried to get him to go home with her. Nope. He wasn’t having any of it.
Atlantic Puffins, Bird Island on the north coast of Cape Breton
For more than three months, I started every morning with a phone call to my dad, helping him organize his thoughts and his day. And followed that up with several phone calls throughout the day trying to keep him on track. I hired a private care nurse to watch over him and keep him out of trouble. That wasn’t enough. He refused to stop driving, refused to take his medications (he especially hates what he calls his “pee pill”), and refused to use a walker. His life was spiraling out-of-control, and it felt sometimes like he was dragging me along with him.
White Point, Cape Breton
Fortress Of Louisbourg, Cape Breton Island, Nova Scotia
My sweet, loving, thoughtful dad turned into a giant pain in the ass. Not intentionally; but his insistence on remaining in his home and his inability to acknowledge his limitations and to make wise decisions made life hell for me, Eric, my sister, my uncle (my dad’s brother, who is 15 years younger), and his neighbors. It is astonishing how much havoc one 91-year-old can wreak. All while continuing to be just as loveable as he’s always been.
Cavendish National Park, Prince Edward Island
And you know what? There wasn’t a damned thing we could do about it. The law—rightfully so—heavily favors the rights of the elderly. But that also means that we couldn’t make the decision to have his driver’s license taken away, nor could we insist that he move to a safe situation. Because he had never had an accident (yet), and he hadn’t burned down the house (yet), we had no legal recourse, unless we pursued guardianship (a long, expensive, difficult, and demeaning process). Consequently, we all lived in terror of what might happen.
Lighthouse, Cedar Dunes Provincial Park, Prince Edward Island
My dad truly believes that he is just as competent as he always has been. But he even lost the ability to comprehend if it was day or night. I’d call him at 8:00 p.m., and he would tell me that he had just gone out to breakfast and didn’t understand why it got dark. “It’s 8:00 at night, Dad,” I told him. “You probably fell asleep in your recliner, woke up at 7:00, and thought it was morning. But it’s really nighttime now.” His response? “Maybe it’s night where you are, but it’s morning here!” How do you reason with that?
I spent a very surreal few months trying to maintain my sanity.
Lunenburg, Nova Scotia
And then, it all exploded in one epic day when I had 26 phone calls and six texts trying to deal with my dad. It started with our morning phone call when he told me his buddies at the Mexican restaurant noticed that his arm was swollen. I asked his nurse to take him to the emergency room, where he was diagnosed with cellulitis, an infection that can be life-threatening. When I spoke with the doctor, she said, “Oh, your dad is the sweetest man! I’m giving him a prescription for antibiotics and sending him home.”
My response? “Oh God, NO. Please do NOT let him go home.” I explained to her the craziness of the last few months and pleaded with her to admit him to the hospital, with the goal of getting my dad into the rehab facility with my mom. Once I filled the doctor in on the details of what had been going on at home, she was in complete agreement.
Humpback Whales, Brier Island, Nova Scotia
Here’s a little known tip: If you can get your elderly parent hospitalized for three nights with any kind of condition, they can then be transferred to a rehab facility for three months under Medicare coverage. I knew it was the only way we were ever going to get my dad out of his house.
I felt incredibly relieved and absolutely terrible. My dad has not returned home since that day in early August. Because if he had, I would not have been able to pry him out of there. With the blessing of my sister and my uncle, and to the immense relief of my dad’s neighbors and friends, I made arrangements for my dad to be transferred into the rehab facility with my mom.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
A couple of weeks later, my sister and I made the decision to transfer both of our parents five hours away, to an assisted living facility in Jacksonville just a few miles from my sister’s home. It’s a beautiful facility, and my sister made it cozy with artwork and familiar belongings from my folks’ home.
Port Royal, Nova Scotia
Alma Fishing Village, Bay Of Fundy
And then, late that night, my sister called, exhausted and emotional. She had just gotten a call from my dad, who was yelling, “Get me out of this death mill!” Because in his mind, he does not belong there. He then proceeded to call 911 to get him out. I called the nurse on duty, made sure my dad was okay, and said, “Unplug his phone.”
Let’s add ‘tenacious’ and ‘resourceful’ to my dad’s personality description.
Botanical Garden, St. Andrews, New Brunswick
Since then, life has still been a rollercoaster, but thankfully, a rollercoaster with a safety bar in place. It is an enormous relief to have both of my parents in a safe environment, but that doesn’t mean the challenges are over. My sister visits almost every day and is doing everything possible to help them adjust, and I call just about every day. We are both navigating these unfamiliar waters as best we can, supporting each other, grieving, and finding what humor we can in the insanity that our parents have visited upon us.
Lubec, Maine
Eric and I will return to Florida in December. We have a daunting task ahead, dealing with my folks’ home, their vehicles, their boat, and the enormous mountain of stuff that they accumulated in 71 years of a rich, full life together. And, of course, we’ll be traveling back and forth to Jacksonville to visit them.
Jordan Pond, Acadia National Park, Maine
I am quite certain that my mom and dad never intended to put my sister and me through this special kind of hell. (Or if they did, I really wish I had been a poorly behaved child because at least I would have felt like this was justifiable payback on their part.)
View from Pemetic Mountain, Acadia National Park
What You Need To Do To Protect Yourself And Your Loved Ones
No one prepares you for the emotional stress of caring for an aging parent, and it’s made much more difficult when certain legal documents are not in place. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this at all, but we’ve learned a lot in the past six months.
So I’ll wind up this post with a few things that you should do NOW to protect those you love. And if your parents are alive, light a fire under them and make them take care of business. Of course, should you want to make life miserable for those you leave behind, feel free to disregard all of the following:
• Make a will, but don’t stop there.
• Sign a HIPAA authorization form at your doctor’s office. This will allow your doctor to share medical information with whomever you designate. Without this authorization, the doctor’s office won’t even acknowledge that they know the patient. (Guess how I discovered this?)
• Make your healthcare decisions very clear by filling out an advance health care directive (also known as a living will). This enables you to make your health care wishes known before a medical crisis arises and only goes into effect if you are incapacitated and unable to speak for yourself. A living will needs to be updated as you age because life circumstances change.
For example, intravenous feeding might be appropriate for a younger person who has suffered a traumatic accident and is expected to recover, but not for an elderly person simply to extend their life. Give a copy to your doctor and your loved ones. While you’re at it, sign a do-not-resuscitate order (DNR) at your doctor’s office and give a copy to your loved ones. This makes it very clear to medical personnel that no ridiculous measures will be taken to bring you back to life. Here’s an excellent resource: Advance Care Planning: Healthcare Directives.
• Add trusted loved ones to your bank accounts so that they will be able to access your accounts in the event that you are unable to pay bills, etc. Thankfully, I was able to accomplish this last winter with the help of the very kind and understanding bank manager at my folks’ bank. This has enabled my sister to take on the enormous task of sorting out and paying my parents’ bills. This step also avoids the expense of probate when the time comes (AKA when they die).
• Name beneficiaries on retirement accounts (not only your elderly spouse). This also avoids the expensive and unnecessary hassle of probate.
• Set up a durable power of attorney (POA) so that in the event you are unable to make medical or financial decisions, the person(s) you’ve chosen can make those decisions for you. If you don’t have this established, court actions can step in and assume control. You need a POA for everything from medical decisions to having cable television disconnected.
After many, many hours of conversation over the past couple of years, I convinced my dad to set up a POA for my sister and me while we were there last winter. Without this, we would have been screwed. A person suffering from dementia cannot legally sign a power of attorney document, and we accomplished this in the nick of time. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
• Even having power of attorney, you cannot force someone to go into an assisted living facility against their will. The reality is that my dad could leave the assisted living facility at any time and take my mom with him. The saving grace is that no one believes he is competent living on his own, so we’re relying on a combination of reassurance and distraction to keep him content. And we never tell him that he cannot go home—we just tell him that he needs to be where he is now “for a little longer.” Here is a very good article explaining the difficulties and strategies involved in moving an elderly person into an assisted living facility: How to Legally Force a Loved One to Move to a Senior Living Facility.
• Deal with your lifetime accumulation of material possessions. If you can’t do this on your own, hire someone to help you clear out your junk. Seriously, do not leave this job for your loved ones. It is not how you want to be remembered.
A Note On The Photos In This Post
The photos here remind me that we did indeed have a fabulous spring and summer, despite the many hours we spent immersed in the vortex of parental care. It has been a long haul, and it’s not over yet. But we’re doing our best to enjoy every single day, and to live our lives fully around the challenges.
In upcoming posts, I’ll be writing about the places we visited and the wonderful adventures we’ve had. And hey, maybe with several months in Florida sorting through my parents’ stuff, I’ll have some time to catch up! :-)
P.S. We Finally Saw Moose!
Phew! What a ride! So sorry you have had to go down this route, Laurel. Remember self care through it all. I know the beautiful places you go, the fresh air, the birds are balm for a weary soul.
Big hugs to you,
Joanne
You and me both! My sister and I had to wait until the $hit hit the fan to make a forcible change in our parents’ living situation as they refused to comply with our wishes — twas an ordeal removing the car and license, removing him temporarily (he scared my mom, she went to police), getting his meds changed to change his combative responses (totally out of character), dealing with their financial accounts, and well . . . you’ve named all the headaches so well!!! But unlike your folks, mine had the wisdom to hire an auctioneer to sell most of their stuff while they were in their mid-60s so that was a blessing later. He’s now 95, she’s 90, and they have severe dementia which makes our decisions easy. They don’t know us, they don’t know anybody, they only know each other, and my sister and I have learned to “let go” — we don’t visit much anymore at their assisted care facility. They are “gone” but their physical shells remain . . . .
Terri, it sounds as though you’ve lived your own version of this particular life challenge. My parents still know us…I don’t like to think of a time when they won’t. I wish my folks had had the foresight to auction off their stuff years ago!
Joanne, it has been a CRAZY ride. As you said, nature has provided healing respite all along the way. Hugs to you, too—I’m so happy to hear from you and hope all is well in your life!
Sigh….
The pictures you’ve chosen reflect your need for serenity in your life and where you’ve found moments of it. Good choices Laurel.
I so understand what you’ve been going through and feel your pain. I know that doesn’t help much, but it’s all I can offer…..my fervent good thoughts.
The end of this blog is very helpful, coming under the category of “knowledge you wish you didn’t have”. I’m sharing this blog with our son in hopes it will help him if/when the time comes.
I appreciate your fervent good thoughts, Sue. This has been a long, hard road, as you know. Let’s hope none of us visits this particular kind of insanity on our loved ones.
Thankfully, we have had many beautiful, soul-nourishing adventures to offset the stress. I’m glad I have our photos to remind me of that…because otherwise, I’m not sure I’d be remembering what the heck we’ve done at this point.
Great post, Laurel. Unfortunately it’s too common a tale. Reminds me of the 17 calls one day to Bry: “Son, do you know anything about my automobile?”……. There were times I thought his dad would out live him because it was so stressful. Your closure is wise and useful.
I’m trying to go through my lifetime of accumulation now – it’s an archeological and emotional excavation – but figure it’s the best thing I can do for my daughter. (Tho I have recommended she just hire someone should there be an untimely and unexpected departure at our end.) She’s having a baby in February!
Much love and light to you as you walk/hike/climb/crawl the closing steps of this journey…..
Oh, Nancy—how exciting! A new grandbaby! :-)
I know you and Bryan have lived your journey with aging parents and the challenges of dementia. My sister and I have sometimes half-jokingly wondered if my folks are going to outlive us because this has been so ridiculously stressful. They have no idea what they’re putting us through. Thanks for your loving thoughts; I’m delighted to hear from you. Much love to you both.
Laurel, awesome words of wisdom you have written.
We all have had to deal with parents and dear friends with these struggles. The one thing you hold dear are the memories you shared with them years ago. They are not the people we know now. Life shows us that growing old is not fun, we all need to address these issues….may we all recognize the joy of our present freedom and we treasure each day. Bless you for not running back last May but continued your New England journey. Have peace with these days and deal with Florida when you get there….don’t miss the road in between because it’s filled with beauty and wonderful experiences….if you need an ear call and stop by if you wish as well…bless YOU both….
Julie, you know how hard it was for me to make the decision to not run back to Florida, but there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. I appreciate your encouragement in continuing our journey. I’ve managed to maintain some semblance of sanity from a distance! We’re loving our travels, despite the parental related challenges. :-)
An absolutely beautiful collection of images in this post that at the very least serve as a reminder that you were able to enjoy your journey even with the distractions. I’m very fortunate that my father did have everything set up properly right down to my sister having POA. So when he passed away a little over a year ago the settling of the estate went as smoothly as one can expect. Loved your humorous comment about “justifiable payback”. Yep, you should’ve been a rebellious teenager 😆
Haha, yes! I definitely should have been a rebellious teenager! How fortunate you are that your father had the presence of mind to set up his estate to make it easier for you and your sister.
I appreciate your kind comments about our photos, Ingrid. We’ve discovered so many places of extraordinary beauty in our travels in the east this year.
I’m so glad you wrote this. Hopefully it was therapeutic just to get it all out on paper. You’ve navigated a horrible situation as well as anyone could possibly hope to. But not only have you done that, you’ve shared your experiences with everyone else and let them know they’re not alone. That is such a valuable gift.
After everything blew up with my mom, I started drafting an article about steps people should take legally to avoid some of this aggravation, but I never finished it and, obviously, never posted it. I just couldn’t get into the right frame of mind to explain it all. I think you’ve done a huge service to people by explaining all this stuff and I wholeheartedly second all your suggestions. They are right on.
I hope things will continue to smooth out a bit as your folks adjust to their new situation and I hope you will continue to share your experiences with all of us. You are a good daughter and a good friend. Stay well.
Laura, you have been an extraordinarily supportive friend, checking in often and helping me maintain my sanity as I’ve dealt with the many challenges with my folks (and laughing with me about the craziness!). I certainly feel better knowing that I’m not alone in this journey, and hope that sharing my experience might be helpful for others.
I’m glad you think my suggestions are accurate and useful. I trust with your legal expertise you’ll let me know if I’m leading anyone astray!
Well, my friend, I know what a challenging post this was for you to write, and what an incredibly difficult and surreal time this has been to live through. You have handled it all with such love and grace. You are a blessing to your parents. I know not every moment has felt loving and generous, but you have done and continue to do the right thing, no matter what.
Thank you for sharing your experience and the extremely beneficial tips on how to get legal ducks in a row. 😘
I appreciate your kind words, Joodie. You’ve been a good friend throughout this journey! Although there have been (many) moments when I’ve been frustrated and disbelieving that my folks left us with this mess, mostly I’ve been able to approach the situation with love and compassion. I try to imagine myself in my dad’s place, watching his world crumbling around him. Things are better with both of my folks in a safe place now. (Big sigh of relief.)
Wow. I’m glad you two are healthy and strong, and that your sister is near your parents to deal with things in person. My mom lived with my sister for a number of years before she’d agree to a trial month in an assisted living place. Thank God she loved it! The only way they got her to my sister’s place was to take her home from the hospital after an incident and keep her there. It took us several trips to SoCal to deal with all my parent’s stuff and get the house ready to sell.
I know how exhausting the whole process is, and you and your family are doing a great job! Love and blessings to you and Eric.
We’re happy we’re tough enough to deal with this situation, too, Renee. And having my folks now just a few miles from my sister is a lifesaver (well, for me and them, not so easy for her 😳).
I appreciate your loving thoughts. It’s wonderful to hear from you, and we hope you guys are doing well!
What an amazing post — juxtaposing gorgeous photos of idyllic spots with “captions” of the less idyllic parallel reality you were living during the same months. You do your readers a service by taking the time to write these detailed tips and advice. I went through this with each parent more than ten years ago and, like you, my sibs and I had to make it up as we went along, crisis by crisis. I wish I’d had this post of yours back then!
Here’s a tip I can add to your list, though it won’t work in everyone’s situation. It’s how we finally got our dad to drop driving. He had advanced glaucoma and was legally blind, but claimed his eye doctor said he was perfectly safe behind the wheel. We went privately to the eye doctor and told him we would report him to the medical board and hold him liable for any accidents Dad caused, unless he insisted on — and documented — Dad’s giving up driving. The M.D. stepped up to the plate, and Dad relented.
You seem to be navigating this with enormous love and patience and resourcefulness. May your steps and stumbles along the path be blessed.
That is great advice about getting the doctor on board, Heather. I wish I had thought of that when I was so freaked out about my dad driving!
It sounds as though you’ve experienced many similar issues with aging parents…and you’re absolutely right, we just make it up as we go along, from one crisis to the next. It’s really hard to figure it all out, so I’m glad if this post can help anyone else along this challenging road.
Thank you for your kind, supportive comment.
Thank you for sharing this. I had tears in my eyes as I recalled a similar walk with my parents a few years back. My Dad and yours must have gone to the same lovable-son-of-a-gun academy. I used to remind myself “Wimps don’t land DC-10s”. My Dad continued to the end with the internal force of someone who could land a DC-10 even after he could no longer figure out how to make a pot of coffee or dial the telephone. He stopped driving when he forgot to pay his insurance bill on time. After that the premium was astronomical. And he didn’t accept assisted living until he had a bad fall that really scared him. It was so, so hard. My mom suffered from his stubbornness to accept help. She welcomed death, long before he did. He continued to bring, humor, love, and annoyance right up until his last breath at age 96.
Good luck and thank you for the beautiful photos throughout the post. They helped soften the landing.
Haha, my dad is definitely going to continue to bring ‘humor, love and annoyance’ right up until his last breath! I do believe our fathers would have enjoyed each other’s company immensely, Nancy.
It’s heartbreaking to witness the demise of our strong, competent, independent parents. I never want to undermine them, but when they’re endangering themselves and others, we have to step in with ‘creative’ solutions.
Wow, wow, wow. Thanks for sharing and being so brutally and adorably honest. You are amazing as always, Laurel. Whew. And thanks for the list of things to know at the end. I hope you feel better and little bit lighter after writing this all down. I don’t like thinking of your travels being bogged down on a DAILY basis with such worry and effort and feeling of frustration and being powerless. Ugh.
The photos were so nourishing and gorgeous! Oh how I’d love to go back to PEI (and Nova Scotia) which I haven’t visited since I left in the early 1980’s. The view of Cavendish beach brought back memories as I used to spend nearly every afternoon there after work (when I worked for my mom in New Glasgow during my summers home from college). I’m sooooooo glad you got to visit the Maritime s!!!!!
I’m so glad to hear from you, Janet! We absolutely loved the Maritimes, and are so happy we finally got ourselves there. That was a big benefit of spending an entire year on the east coast. What a lovely place for you to spend your summers during your college years! It’s time for a return trip for you. :-)
It was hard worrying every day about my folks and having part of every day consumed with phone calls, but the beauty of our travels definitely helped ease the difficulties, at least momentarily.
My heart breaks for all of you. Breath deep. You will feel guilty no matter how things unfold. It’s a caring daughter thing.
Thank you, Deb. You’re right, it’s hard, no matter what—but we know we’ve made the right decision in moving my folks to a safe place.
I am so thankful that our Mom has been a dream as she ages. (Dad went years ago to dementia with Mom, a former RN, acting as his primary care-giver)
Though still active at 90 she made the decision on her own last year to move to an active living facility which also has assisted living and memory care units right on the property.
She included us kids in the hunt for her new place and the clearing out of her old (To make that easier on her we, the extended family, walked off with all sorts of stuff we didn’t really want and would quickly pass on ourselves, but it made the process easier for her, even though she knew what we were up to. Kinda hard to hide it when a couple of of the grandkids show up with a big trailer and loads it up with whatever is brought out the door to them.
She did get a bit obsessively paranoid during the process of selling the condo of 30 years and worried about the move to the point of not sleeping or eating. (We don’t put it quite that politely, we say she went bat-excrement crazy. And now that the dust has settled she agrees.)
But really, we, the kids, couldn’t ask for a better Mom when it comes to dealing with her own aging process.
Hopefully it rubs off on us and we don’t give our kids too much hell as the birthdays pile up.
Wow, your mom sounds like the ideal parent when it comes to aging! It sounds like she’s done everything possible to make it easy on you—and in turn, it sounds as though you’ve made it easy for her. What a blessing for all of you!
I appreciate your comment, Greg. It’s wonderful to hear from someone who has a good experience with the all-too-often complicated and painful situation of dealing with elderly parents. Your mom is a good role model. :-)
Oh my…this was a very important, informative, honest, gut-wrenching post for all of us. I can relate with how difficult helping to manage a parents deteriorating health from afar. One word-nightmare that you never get to wake up from.
I sure hope things calm down, your parents settle peacefully, & you can relax once all the house stuff is taken care of.
Glad you were able to experience some beauty this summer. Love the pics!
Thanks so much, Debbie. I’m glad you enjoyed the photos—being absorbed in the beauty of nature was our salvation this summer! You are absolutely right when you say that trying to manage care for an elderly parent is a nightmare. My worries consumed not only my waking hours but my dreams as well, for months.
I hope you guys are doing well. We’d love to see you in Florida when we return in December if you’re going to be around!
Laurel, you have so eloquently described the emotional roller coaster that is “dealing with aging parents” — and “dealing with” is exactly the right term. There are so many issues to resolve, the rules of the medical and banking professions help protect against scammers but make life much harder for adult children to help their parents, it’s so easy to second-guess yourself when making these hard choices, and the whole process is emotionally and mentally exhausting. Kudos to you for achieving the most important things: keeping your parents safe and having you and your sister continue to support each other. All else can be taken care of eventually when you have more time and energy. We send peaceful thoughts to you and Eric.
Oh Laurel…
You are a fabulous daughter and I so feel your pain. I went through a very rough time with my widowed mother last winter as i helped her move from her condo in KY to a independent living apartment in AZ. It’s gut wrenching, frustrating and often times mind numbing. So glad you have a sister to help keep you sane as you navigated these murky waters with your parents.
Your summer travel was a much needed balm for your soul.
hugs!!!
Thank you, Brenda. You’re a fabulous daughter, too! I remember reading your post last year about you helping your mom move into her new place in Arizona. I hope she’s settled in and enjoying life there. Sometimes we just have to take charge, right? It does help to have my sister—we can cry and laugh and be frustrated together, LOL.
We loved our summer travels. Those adventures kept us sane! Hugs to you, too. :-)
Shannon & Ken, I know you guys understand all about these challenges. Making hard decisions about my parents’ lives has been excruciating, and I’ve second-guessed my decisions every step of the way. But the time came when it was crystal clear that it was no longer safe for my dad to live by himself, even with a private care nurse (and even then, I second-guessed my decision to have him sent to rehab!).
We’re all settling into the “new normal” and it’s getting incrementally easier. I appreciate your support.
Aahh my sweet baby… feeling your anguish and real grief before the passing into that good night… no one deserves that kind of worry and helpless frustration even if they’d been a rebellious teen or troubled twenty something! Hope you felt better summing it up, so glad your sister and uncle stepped up, confident that Eric has been a Prince and your natural surroundings have taken the edges off in an otherwise impossible scenario ! Love that you shared the wisdom of the woulda..coulda… shoulda!
You are missed here on the western edge and we welcome you home with open arms for a long rest when this tidal wave subsides. Sending you snickers and belly laughs at the thoughts of how difficult will be our succumbing to the aging crumbles….you know for damn sure we boomers will not go gentle into the good night! Until then resist… persist…and keep taking the pee pills! Love you to the moon and back, Diana
Oh, my dear friend—you are so right, we are not going gently into the good night! But holy hell, I hope we do not torture everyone around us as we age. 😳
It has been a long, crazy journey and there’s a long road ahead with the mountain of stuff we have to deal with in Florida. Hey, want to come organize a gigantic estate sale for us? We’ll fly you out, an all-expense paid winter vacation to beautiful Apalachicola, Florida!
Thanks for the love and laughs. oxox
So thoughtful, and beautifully written. I loved the interspersed photos – they really accentuated the contrasts in your life right now. We’ve reached an age where we have the discussion of how not to be a burden on our children. I’m going to keep this post as a guide. Thank you!
Janie, we’re having those same conversations…the experience with my parents has really brought home how much we don’t want to be a burden on our daughter or other loved ones. There’s so much to consider!
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope that we (your readers) can take some of this burden off your shoulders by listening. I can’t imagine the stress of handling this situation while being far away. Thank goodness you were able to get your dad into the rehab and then assisted living on the “sly” so to speak. Hope your dad gets comfortable and begins to feel like it is home. I don’t envy the job ahead of you this winter. My mother found two women that run an antique business and they handle estate sales, as well. These two women came into her home for two weeks and cleaned out everything for her. She kept what she wanted and then the rest they marked for sale and set things up around the house (like a garage sale). And I mean everything! They then had a two day sale. They took care of the advertising and all. They got 25 % of the profits. It was a tremendous burden I didn’t have to help with. It went so well. After the sale they take care of getting rid of all they don’t sell. Look around their area of Florida. I bet you could find the same thing with all the retirees there. They usually do mostly estates when someone dies and there isn’t family. So far we have been fortunate that my mother has been making sound decisions. Fingers crossed this continues. Like Sue, I am going to save this post and have Kevin look at it. Thanks for all your well researched suggestions. Some we have in place but not all. Your photos with the post are lovely. Glad you had such beauty to relax your spirit some.
Pam, this is a brilliant idea! I am definitely checking into this to see if there’s anyone in the area who does estate sales. I just cannot deal with the amount of stuff that my parents have. It’s truly overwhelming. Heck, I’d give someone half of the profits just so that I don’t have to have a garage sale! I hate garage sales. I’d rather give everything away.
I hope my suggestions for taking care of business pass Kevin’s expert review. Let me know if there’s anything I should correct. (Seriously!)
The therapy of writing can’t be underestimated in times of extreme stress. We run the story in our heads so many times, almost like we can’t believe we’re really going through it. I’m so glad you off-loaded the roller coaster that was your summer, and even happier that the latest chapters included getting your folks into a safe place close to family. More chapters to come, but hopefully smoother times. Such lovely photos to capture the peaceful environment you were wrapped in.
Jodee, writing about this was so therapeutic! Hopefully, now I can move on so that I can write about our adventures in the Maritimes. We are so relieved to have my folks in a safe place and even better, close to my sister. I’m just trying not to think too much about what lies ahead when we return to Florida.
Thank you for writing this important, eloquent and heart wrenching post. It was hard to read because of what is going on with my own aging parents now. My dad (94) was also admitted to hospital with swelling in his foot ~ 4 days later he went into rehab much like your father did, with insurance kicking in ( thank goodness). After four days lying in hospital his physical self deteriorated and now his quality of life is greatly reduced by not being mobile. My younger sister who lives nearby has the majority of the stress and care, while myself and my other sister stress from afar and do what we can. We will be there in November.
Valuable insight and advice for all of us with aging parents and becoming seniors ourselves. Thank you for sharing all this…
I think that the system in the U.S. is broken. Care is prohibitively expensive and there are not that many affordable options for many elderly. Its a sad, sad reality. The system does not provide well for the elderly and for end of life.
On the other hand, your photos made me smile and I instantly felt calmer. Important juxtaposition. I think we all have to live our own days to the full (while we still can) and adhere to some of your good advice re possessions and being prepared. Perhaps Oregon is the answer ~ as once the quality of life is gone at least there is a choice of timing to go peacefully.
With much love and courage to you for the visit ahead. Perhaps being there might be a bit easier.
xoxo
Peta
Peta, thank you for your kind and thoughtful response. I agree, the health care system in the U.S. is terribly broken. And outrageously expensive. We are so fortunate that we found a small, very nice assisted living facility with memory care for my folks that they can afford close to my sister.
I’m so sorry to hear that your dad is having health problems. At that age, the slightest illness or injury can be devastating. I hope being in the rehab program will be helpful for him.
As you said, we all need to live our lives to the fullest while we’re able! Hugs to you and Ben.
What a rough road but also a gift that you still have your wonderful sense of humor intact. Sending lots of love to you, Dad (Eric), your mom, and “tenacious Tink”. xoxo
Oh, Amanda, I promise that we won’t torture you (too much) as we get older! I promise that I’ll make your dad finish cleaning out his part of our storage unit so that you don’t have all that to deal with in the future, LOL. And hopefully, I won’t be too much of a pain in the butt.
Thanks for your loving thoughts. We love you and miss you guys so much. oxox
Oh Laurel, first off a big hug from both of us, its a tight one, feel it?
I hope that writing down what you have been dealing with will free you and you can exhale. And that the comments soothes you and give you solace to keep you sane.
This is a great post for all of us, not only for those taking care of parents but also for ourselves who are already aging and heading in that direction. I know that one day we can be as hard-headed as your dad as we get older.
The pictures are a great counterbalance to the craziness you are still mired in. You are a good daughter!
My message crisscrossed with your post :) so you can ignore them.
You have Eric to sound off and lean on. I hope he is not helping you tear out your hair :)
MonaLiza & Steve, thanks for that great big hug!! I do feel better writing about this difficult journey, and most of all, I feel better with all of the loving support we’ve received. It’s good to know we’re not alone.
I hope we’re not all going to be as stubborn as some of our parents have been, but who knows? I don’t think my parents ever thought they would be so difficult—and they don’t think they’re being difficult now. They’ve just lost their minds so they have no concept of reality. 😳 Thank goodness I have Eric, because he has been a wonderful support.
We really truly feel for you and are sending our best thoughts and wishes your way.
This may sound incredibly flip, but we both have been there, done that. In R’s case, he had to go to court to be appointed guardian and conservator of his mothers person and affairs. K’s sister had no will or other directives in place and had Alzheimer’s as well as stage 4 cancer. There were many challenges in both situations.
Fortunately or unfortunately, this all comes to a conclusion that brings relief, and hopefully, memories of better times.
BTW – We cleaned out our accumulated stuff when we went on the road full-time. R nick-named it the dead persons clean out…. As time goes on we might accumulate a little more stuff but all of the old crap is gone.
Love to you both,
R&K
Riley & Karen, you guys really have “been there and done that” in a very big way—even more so than what we’ve had to deal with. And you’re sane and happy, so that gives me hope!
Organizing and clearing out all of our belongings was one of the huge benefits of taking to the road fulltime. I love traveling lightly in life! (Although we do still have a storage unit…but it’s full of GOOD stuff, LOL!) Love to you guys, too.
Wow, Laurel, just wow. I am sorry to learn about all you and your family have endured through the summer. What a rollercoaster of emotions! Having been through just a couple of episodes with my own parents, I recall being shocked that my normally intelligent parent could react so hideously during a hospital stay. “Get me out of this gulag!” were the exact words. Reasoning goes right out the window. This stuff is difficult with a capital ‘D’! I’m sending healing, strength and courage vibes your way.
Roll on rollercoaster! <—- one of my favorite signs on the Camino de Santiago. :)
Linda, this journey really is difficult, on so many levels. So interesting that you had such a similar experience with your parent acting out in a medical setting! I can only imagine how awful it is for them, feeling helpless and in a situation they don’t want to be in. It’s so hard on everyone involved.
I hope that your parents remain in good health while you and Steven are living in Europe. I appreciate your good thoughts for us! ‘Roll on rollercoaster,’ LOL!
Oh my friend, you have had some serious challenges these past few months (well, years really). I feel for you and your family. Wishing you the strength necessary to continue to deal with it all.
Thank you for the helpful information at the end of the post. Preparation could save us all a lot of frustration and anxiety!
Hugs to you both.
Lisa, I know you understand all too well these challenges, having been through such painful times with your mom. I appreciate your good wishes for us…we definitely need strength to carry us through when we get to Florida! It will be epic, what we have to deal with.
You are so right—just a little preparation for the future could save us and our families so much frustration and angst! Hugs to you and Hans, too. :-)
Yay we saw moose. Together!!!!
Thank you for the update. We are thinking about your situation all the time just don’t want to ask too much since that just gives you one more thing to have to do.
Love all your pics and hoping for a more peaceful year ahead!
Yay, yes we saw moose, together! Which made it even better!
Thanks, you guys, for always being there for us. We’re looking forward to our next adventure with you, wherever that may be. A peaceful year sounds really good to me. :-)
The back and forth of narration (chaos) and photos (peace) speaks powerfully to how you are dealing with this time of intense challenge. Thank you for, willy-nilly, doing the homework for the rest of us. I am approaching those years with my own parents (and a dad who sounds a lot like yours), so need to be having these conversations with them, but of course it’s not too soon to be thinking about these issues for ourselves. Sending love and strength…
Thanks for your good wishes, Gretchen. You’re absolutely right—this has been a time of chaos, and finding peace in nature and in our adventures has been essential for our sanity and wellbeing. I’ve learned so much that I never knew I needed to learn! I’m glad if it helps anyone else and makes the journey easier. If your dad is anything like mine, it will be an interesting journey. :-)
Hey y’all! We’re so sorry to hear about your parents. We totally get it. But hey… you saw a MOOSE! 😁 We’re thinking about y’all. Hope you get some time to put up your feet and relax sometime soon. Hugs to y’all.
Aww…I’m so happy to hear from you, Stacie! It’s so cool that you just took your mom on a big grand tour with you. We used to meet up with my folks for RVing adventures. Lots of good memories there.
And yes, we saw a MOOSE! Actually, more than one! (Finally, LOL) Hugs to you and Tom!
As others have said, the contrast between the events of dealing with your parents and the gorgeous photographs show how you are able to continue to enjoy life and nature while in the middle of all the chaos and stress. I have read the post twice (once to myself and then outloud to my husband) and both times I found myself tearing up just a bit. Thank you for sharing such an honest look at the care of you mom and dad, as well as the most helpful tips for those of us who are either in the midst of doing the same or who are about to embark on a similar journey. Be well and continue to find the good in every single day.
Les
Thank you, Les, for your lovely comment. Eric and I really do try to focus on the good in every day—and fortunately, there is so much good to be found! All of our adventures and our time in nature are the best medicine for alleviating the stress of my parental caretaking. I’m glad if the lessons we’ve learned in our journey can be of benefit to others. And I’m very grateful for all of the support offered by our friends here.
My unsolicited advice is to not do yard sales. When we started the downsize we had one yard sale. Everyone wanted to nickel and dime to death us on everything. It just was not worth the effort. I hope you dad will settle in to his new abode and be happy where he is. Stout heart.
Haha, NO WAY am I doing a yard sale, Allison! I hate yard sales. I absolutely agree with you that yard sales aren’t worth the aggravation. Thanks for your good wishes. It does take courage for this journey.
Laurel I am so far behind in keeping up with this. Fortunately Eric has kept me up on some things. Like everyone my life gets very busy and complicated and I haven’t gotten
caught up on all this. Fortunately Mom wasn’t this much of a problem but we did have some ups and downs. You have given everyone great advice. I will email you and Eric soon. LOVED THE PICTURES that you included brings back such memories of our trip to Prince Edward Island in 2006. What a beautiful and fun place. One of my favorite places.
Love, Penny
Penny, you don’t know how many times I’ve thought of you and the care you provided for your mom during the last years of her life. I have a new appreciation for the fantastic job that you and Tom did in finding a place for her, selling her home, dealing with all of her belongings, taking care of her finances and medical needs…no one really understands until they have to deal with it.
I’m so glad you enjoyed our photos of the Maritimes. I remember you guys talking about your trip there, and now I understand why you loved it so much! Hugs to you both.
Laurel,
Your head is screwed on straight despite the loopy ride you’re on. Keep the faith.
Thanks so much, Mark. It helps to have good (and sane) friends providing encouragement. It’s definitely been a crazy ride!